I Went Back to University

2012-01-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

Back before I started TAing, I was worried that I would really hate it. I was worried that no one would talk, or that I would bore the crap out of my students. Tara sat me down, and told me that if I spoke as passionately to my classes about literature as I did to her, I wouldn't have anything to worry about. She also said that I'd get one or two students who really enjoyed the work, who really got what it was like to study literature, and that they would come and talk to me, and I would love that.

Well, today, after class, one of my students sat and talked with me about her essay, and she was really excited about it, and had a great idea to write about. And it was awesome to see that kind of enthusiasm in someone else. I feel it fairly often. But to get the idea of someone else feeling something like that was fantastic.

I really didn't think I would like teaching. Lecturing, sure. But that's a little more anonymous. But teaching in a small classroom was certainly not on my list of things I was looking forward to. It's still work, I'll admit. But it's good work.

Anecdotes...

2012-01-11T17:03:00.001-05:00

I feel like for the entire time I've been at school, people have been mistaking me for something I'm not. When I first went back, I had someone ask me what I taught at Mac. For the last few years, professors and former-TAs have asked me how my grad work is going, even though I was still in my undergrad. Last week, one of the first year Ph.D. candidates asked me how my dissertation proposal was coming along.

I like to think it's because I come across as well-educated and well-spoken, but I know it's actually because I look old and weary all the time.

So, my mind does this funny thing (not funny ha ha) when I get stressed. It digs up all the really unpleasant memories that I have kicking about in my skull, and replays them for me. I get all the stupid mistakes I've made, the big and the little, the embarrassing faux pas' (what is the plural of faux pas?), the dumb shit I did when I was a teenager. All the mean things I've done, all the really terrible things I've done, all replayed in my head while I'm trying to work, or watch TV, or read, or talk, or just sit quietly. I can tell it's stress because as soon as I'm done the stressful thing, I suddenly notice a day where none of that stuff has bothered me at all. Until I realize it hasn't bothered me, and then it all floods back.

Is is any wonder I've felt like I was going crazy for the last few years?

In other news, I started classes this week. I'm taking one called "Speaking Pictures," which is about emblems and metaphor in the 16th and 17th centuries. I've been waiting 4 years to take this course. Way back, when I first went back to school, I took a class in 17th century literature. About 4 lectures in, a grad student gave a lecture about emblems, and, to me at least, they sounded just like the spiritually-bent comic books I'd been reading for the last few years. And that was it. There was no more in the class about them, and all I knew is that Mary Silcox taught a graduate course on them. I'm finally here, taking the class, and it's from 12:30 to 3:30 on Tuesday afternoons, and as I was sitting there yesterday, taking in all the metaphor theory, I started drifting off. Now, I know it's because of the time of afternoon that the class is in, and because I'm now 3 days off of caffeine, and because it was a 2 or so hour long lecture on the history of metaphor, and that the discussion will keep me alert in the rest of the classes. But, seriously? I wait 4 years for it, and my eyes start to get that horrible heavy feeling. Damn.

I'm TAing this term for a course in longer genres in English, which covers novels and plays. I had my first couple of tutorials on Monday, and realized that I'm not entirely certain how one approaches teaching longer works. With poems and short stories it was easy, since you had the whole thing right there. But with the novels, you have to pick bits out, and deal with ongoing themes and that sort of thing. Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Today I finished my "detailed outline" of my thesis, which was kind of fun. I laid out exactly what I'm going to talk about in each section of the thesis. I even went so far as to draw some preliminary conclusions, or at least describe the things I am aiming for. Which was cool. I'm torn now, because I just want to start writing the damned thing, but I have all this pesky class work and TA stuff to do as well.

I got a letter the other day telling me that my SSHRC funding proposal has gone on to the national level. Cool. As Joel told me to say, it's for $105, 000 over 3 years (cuz it sounds impressive that way), which would be nice, and would mean I'd be making twice what I'm making now. Sounds good to me.

And finally, my article still hasn't come out. I have retained the email saying it was, just in case anyone calls me on it, since I placed it prominently on my SSHRC and Ph.D. applications. Was supposed to be out in December, but I get the feeling that scholarly journals have worse publishing schedules than comic books. Ah well. I'm keeping the faith.

That is all for now. I am going to go and play "Motorstorm: Apocalypse," and kill the crap out of some other cars in an effort to reduce my stress level.

2011-12-04T00:08:00.000-05:00

You know those times that you sit and file away your old notes from classes into their proper places? Some go to the garbage, some go to the messy filing system you're slowly building, some sit on a shelf for years before you find a place for them. I'm assuming, anyway, 'cause mine are still sitting on the shelf.

I just filed my first set of lecture notes into my filing system.

Feeling kind of proud.

2011-11-25T10:59:00.003-05:00

I would really like to just chuck it all.

Is that normal?

(The schoolwork, I mean. Not, you know, life.)

As requested by my clamouring fans....

2011-09-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

So, yes, I went back to university. And in June of this year, I graduated with a Bachelor of the Arts (Honours) in English and Cultural Studies. Graduated with distinction, no less. So having gone back, and having graduated, what did I proceed to do with my newfound education, and its attendant piece of paper?

I went back to university, of course.

It is now three weeks into my Master's program. I am overwhelmed with work. Aside from two classes this term, I am also TAing for a first year English course. This involves lesson-planning and essay-marking for about 35 students, and teaching (or facilitating discussion) twice weekly. And I'm getting my proposal together for the 100-page MA thesis I will be writing this year. And I'm putting together grant applications for OGS and SSHRC for my PhD work. And I'm sick.

Somewhere in there I'm supposed to find time to be a dad and a husband, though those two things seem to fall low on the list of priorities right now. I am extremely fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive family.

Complaints aside, grad school's pretty fucking awesome. Both of my classes are on Mondays, so I come in for Canadian Literary Celebrity at 9:30. The class is 8 people and the professor, sitting around a table and discussing theories of celebrity in literary culture. It's excellent. At 3:30, I have Sexuality of Genre, in which we are studying the concurrent maturation of the novel and discourse of sexuality. Lot's of reading in this one, but I have a presentation next Monday that I'm really excited to be giving. Mainly because I'll get to do a powerpoint presentation with pictures of naked giant women in it. What other job can boast such a perk?
On Tuesday nights I have a tutorial for English: Shorter Genres at 6, the lecture from 7 until 9, and another tutorial until 10. The professor for that course, Jeffrey Donaldson, is also my supervisor for my thesis, and someone I very much enjoy working with. So, slight nerves about teaching anyone anything aside, Tuesday night is pretty enjoyable too. Though it sucks not being able to get together with the Tall Guys for our Tuesday nights, as we have been for the last 5 or so years.
So basically I'm done after Tuesday. I do seem to have one or two meetings a week that I end up driving in for, but I think those'll stop once my grant application stuff is done. Not that I can get used to this wonderful schedule, as next term I'm going to be here every day, though some only for an hour. Which is a drag, but what can you do?

And that's about all I can say about it right now. I have to admit that in the first couple of weeks, I wondered what the hell I'd let myself in for, but I think I'm beginning to wrap my head around it now. For my undergrad, it was like a part-time job. I could take a day off and not fall too far behind. Grad school's different. It's a full-time job. And let's be honest, it's been a long time since I've held one of those. Even my last official "full-time" job really only took up about 25 hours a week. This one's definitely more than that.

My body aches from illness, brought on no doubt by stress. I miss seeing my friends every week. But I am soaking up the knowledge. I am so ready to get my thoughts down into a long-form paper. The bureaucracy surrounding MA thesis approval is infuriating, because I just want to start writing. Not that I think it'll be turned down, but I never let myself feel too sure about things.

And with that, my office hour is over. No one came to visit me, but that's okay. It gave me time to talk to you.

Nearing the end, approaching the beginning

2011-04-04T20:25:00.001-04:00

I have just put the (ostensible) finishing touches on my Honour's Thesis, a 30+ page rumination on satire in superhero universes. I've been looking at this project as something of a culmination of everything, or almost everything, I've learned in my undergraduate years. It brings together everything I've learned about essay writing, bits and pieces of the literary history I've studied, applications of various critical readings, and, of course, my over-riding love of the superhero.

It's big. I'll say that for it. Whether or not its good is not for me to decide.

But I think that maybe it is.

That said, I received my final essay back for Shakespeare today, and scored what has to be my highest essay mark to date, a 97%. Not only did my TA tell me that it's as close to a perfect (undergrad) essay as she's ever read, but my professor who looked over it wrote at the end that it was good enough to expand into an article, a thesis, and a book.

A fucking book!

So, if I can just manage to do well on my exams, I will finally, after only 17 years, have a Bachelor of the Arts with Honours in English. How cool is that?

In September of this year, 2011, I will start upon my Master's degree. I cannot wait.

2011-03-30T12:14:00.000-04:00

I have never been one to have a sense of focus. I have never held a job for longer than 5 years. I collect many things, and have had many hobbies over the years. I have to say that this academic thing, it kind of gives me a sense of purpose. I've never really considered a job that I might actually want to stick to for a while. I'm not 100% sure that this is the thing, but it's the job that feels most like that thing so far. Does that make sense? I have one more paper to hand in, the big one, and three exams, and then I'm done my Bachelor's degree. I cannot wait for the graduate work. Everyone keeps telling me it's a lesson in humility, that I will constantly be shown how much I don't know. Like that's a bad thing. Being shown how much you don't know just reinforces how much there is to learn. Not a bad thing at all. I have to admit to a mind-numbing, soul-crushing fear when I look at the debt I'm accruing, but it's a means to an end, and nothing that I can't deal with. Tara and I have been going through a financial rough patch recently, the line of credit on it's last legs and the OSAP money spent. I still really have no idea what I'm going to do over the summer. I should be really worried. But I'm not. We are very good at dealing with stuff like this. We've had lots of practice. She believes I'm doing something worthwhile, something that will pay off. So do I.

Weird.

I'd love if no one commenting could shoot me down or tell me that grad school is demoralizing and super-difficult. If it wasn't, it wouldn't be worth doing. If all it was was self-congratulation and mutual back-patting, why the hell would we want to do it? If you don't have to struggle, you can't achieve anything remarkable. That is one of the things studying English literature has taught me. I look forward to the challenge. Stuff like this keeps life interesting. What's novel is that I can envision it keeping life interesting for a long time to come.

First times are sometimes terrible

2011-02-18T09:06:00.001-05:00

Now, were I an undergrad of the...appropriate....age, you might expect this entry to be about something altogether different from what it's actually about. I will not be recounting the lurid story of my first sexual encounter, unless there is a clamouring from my fans (???) for such a detail, accompanied by a 300-page paper detailing why it's an important thing for readers of this blog to know.

No, the first time I'm talking about is one that I'm sure any student looking to go on to higher levels of post-secondary education has encountered, and been purely and completely terrified of: the academic conference.

I presented my first paper at an academic conference 2 days ago. It was a small, undergraduate religious studies symposium, held on campus at McMaster. I am (funding pending) going to be delivering a paper at the Pop Culture Association conference in Texas this April, so in order to make sure I wasn't going to pass out or vomit when standing in front of other scholars and talking, I submitted a paper to the symposium so I could try it out in a more comfortable setting.

Oh, poor fool.

Now, I will have to state that, actually, it wasn't that terrible. But who wants to read a blog post with a title like "First times have their ups and downs" (which, actually, is pretty good), or "My first conference paper"?

My first conference paper was titled Tripping on the Peace Wheel: Buddhist Principles in Defense of Psychedelic Culture, and it explores the confluences between Buddhism and modern western psychedelic philosophy. I wrote it last year for a course in theories and practice of non-violence, and received a very high mark for it. And, if I'm to be truthful, it's one of my favourite things I've written. The subject is close to my heart and explores, in parts, philosophical and spiritual beliefs that I hold quite valuable. I practiced reading this paper for four weeks. Almost on a daily basis. Here are the things I discovered while practicing:

1. My eyes are worse than I thought they are. My final "reading copy" that I took with me was printed in a font much bigger than the standard Times New Roman 12-point. Let's call that "Humbling Experience #1."

2. Reading one's own work that many times over such a relatively short space of time is, I think, the academic's version of hell. I'm sure Milton or Dante mentioned something about academics in their poems.

3. The more I read the document, the more I expected that, after presenting, I would be escorted from the campus by two burly football players, acting under the administration's directive, to remove corrupting influences from the university community.

(Part of me kind of wishes that last one had happened. The scandal would have been delicious.)

So, two days ago, my preparations as complete as one's preparations ever are, I stood up as the second presenter called upon at the McMaster Undergraduate Religious Studies Symposium. Now, I have to say, in my humble opinion, that I knocked the presentation out of the park. I remembered not to rush, I had practiced enough that I could make a fair bit of eye contact, I remembered the bits I needed to emphasize. Sure, I got flustered a couple of times and stumbled a bit. Sure, I forgot my bottle of water, which made the last couple of pages a dry affair. But aside from that, it was great. I loved it. Or, at least, I understood the potential it had to be something I loved. Does that make sense?

However.

I should make it plain that just about all the people presenting at the conference (5 of us) were presenting for the first time. There were varying ranges of nervousness, including one first-year student who I really thought was going to fall down a couple of times. His essay was amazing. And really funny. But, as I say, first-time presenters. So we were not, and I think I speak for all the students there, we were not prepared for the question period.

Everyone was given the opportunity to field questions after his or her paper. I figured, as this was an undergraduate conference, and as everyone was a first-timer, that the questions would be, well, gentle, I suppose. I even asked the audience to be gentle as I asked if they had any questions.

They were not.

My first question was not so bad. I was asked about the choice in my paper to privilege a "fast philosophy" like psychedelia over a slower practice like Buddhism. I think I answered the question to my satisfaction, if not necessarily to the satisfaction of the questioner. Then I took a question from a professor in the audience. I should point out that the paper I had just presented was written for a class taught by this professor the previous year. I'm sure she had no idea who I was, as the class was huge and there were TAs to do the marking. But the irony is lovely. She proceeded, not asking questions but making points, to refute my paper entirely in just over four sentences. She even made air quote movements when referring to the thinkers I had cited as "philosophers". This I took quite insultingly, as their philosophical views are ones that I myself find helpful in dealing with the world at large. Now, I had seen her while I was talking, and she had this smile on her face that I took to be one of approval. My powers of reading other human beings are sadly lacking, apparently. I have been asked since what her points were, but I was so flustered in being so vehemently attacked that I really have no idea what she was talking about. I did try to address one or two of the points, but by that time the nervousness had kicked back in, and she was sitting there, smirking at me, while I stammered and stumbled. I really think she was enjoying it.

Here's the thing: I understand that in delivering papers, there is always a chance that someone is going to disagree with you, or take issue with something you have said. I also understand that, as my paper deals with something that has been demonized in our culture, there will be people who will dismiss what I have to say out of hand. I'm used to that, and I'm used to the looks I get when I tell people that I really do believe in the deeply spiritual aspects of psychedelic philosophy. It is not just tripping and having a good time for me (though there is that!), but a way of understanding the universe and my place within it. I understand these things. What I don't get is a (presumably) tenured professor, a teacher, attending a conference of students who have plucked up the courage to get up and not only present their own thoughts and opinions, but to do so in front of an audience in an academic setting, and then attacking one of those students. If this was her idea of teaching someone what an academic conference is like, it was a cruel lesson. I don't want to cry poor me, as the other presenters also had questions put to them that, in my opinion, carried with them unfair expectations of knowledge and preparation for first-time presenters. The poor first-year guy looked like he was going to cry when another professor asked him a question that probed into some deeply problematic aspects of Christian belief. And all I could think was "Do you not realize he's only in his first year? How can he be expected to answer that?" I will cry poor me, however, in the fact that my paper was the only one that was openly attacked. The other presenters, while certainly feeling put on the spot, were asked constructive questions, ones meant to engage with the content of the paper. I, on the other hand, was told I was wrong.

I did have another question after this...yeah, I'll say it,...humiliating experience, but by this time I was so flustered that I could not answer, nor even understand, what the person was asking me. I went up to him afterward and apologized, and he said that he wasn't surprised I was so nervous.

I sent out an email when I got home to the organizer of the event. I thanked him because, all else aside, being in front of a group of ostensibly interested people and talking to them about an idea I had was amazing. Fantastic. Hell, yes, I could do this for a living. I did suggest that in future it might be best to remind professors and grad students that this is an undergraduate conference, filled with very nervous first-time presenters, and that questions, or, I suppose, comments, ought to be gentle. We haven't had the benefit of a few more years of thinking about these issues in order that we might talk unpreparedly about them in a coherent fashion. He emailed back in complete agreement, and apologetically, which I thought was nice, seeing as how he had nothing to do with the uncomfortable aspects of the symposium. He did mention, however, that he thought my comments had irked Dr. Pearson (whose name I was going to leave out of this, but, you know what, fuck it), so I'm glad I wasn't the only one who had felt this. Commiseration is always nice. Hence this blog post, right?

So, all that said, maybe I should have titled this entry "First times are partially terrible." It was, on the whole, a good experience. I am doing my best to not hold on to the bad stuff, but that seems to be the way my brain works these days (who am I kidding, that's how my brain has always worked! More on that, perhaps, at a later date). I am now waiting patiently for an offer from Mac to come and do my Master's work there. I hope it comes today. I think a bit of good news like that would do much to dispel the malaise that Dr. Pearson's comments have left over me for the last couple of days.

Reading week is here. I actually plan to read this time, though it is hard not to recall that, this time last year, I was at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico. *sigh*

How Time Flies...

2010-11-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

So.

Is it glaringly obvious that I haven't had much time to devote to this blog of late? Well, McMaster's server appears to be down right now, so I am unable to do any research, and I've had it pointed out to me that I haven't updated in a long while, so here I am.

So.

Fourth year is pretty intense. I am currently taking full-year courses in Shakespeare, 19th Century Literature, and American Literature, and a half-year seminar called The Bible and Literature. I'm kind of loving all of them, but the work load seems somewhat increased this year. I know it's not, but it feels like it is.

Earlier this year I submitted applications for grad school grants. That was kind of exciting. I know that the work will become more intense, but I really feel ready to be in grad school. Much as the material I'm reading now is interesting, I'm tired of the lecture setting. My seminar is pretty good, though I'm only one of 4 or 5 people who actually talk in class. There's about 15 of us. I'm looking forward to being in a setting in which everyone talks, and everyone has interesting things to say. I think it's so much easier to start synthesizing new ideas in that kind of setting. It is for me, anyway.

I also got my graduation pictures in the mail today. Tara said I looked like a man. I chose to take that in the spirit it was intended, rather than that I look like a woman in general. My beard is much fuller than most women I know.

It's still amongst the best things I've ever done. I love the little nuggets of knowledge that I tuck away on a daily basis. I love talking to people who are remarkably intelligent, and who are actually interested in what I have to say. And I'm interested in what they have to say. It's very cool that, for the most part, the points of view I come into contact with are well-thought out, and well-articulated. I've made some very good friends, and that's something I wasn't at all sure I'd get around to doing again. The people you work with are, if you're lucky, good to be around. But I think it's hard to make friends at work because sometimes all you have in common is work, and who wants to talk about that while you're sitting around smoking a joint? But school has such a large base of people to draw from that it's inevitable to find people who are compatible. It's great. I had really forgotten what it was like to be immersed in a social setting like this. Really, it's been since high school, and that's a long while back now.

I'm finding that the greatest stress this year is coming from balancing school with everything else I have to do in my life. I haven't done any housework for about a month now, and I'm feeling very guilty. I also don't feel like I'm spending nearly enough time with my family. They haven't complained, so maybe it's just me. I just feel like I have so much to read, and so much to write, that I don't have time to do anything else. I've missed the last two folk clubs that I usually attend, and that has now been cancelled indefinitely. I feel bad about that too. I know that the work I'm doing at school is important, that my keeping my grades at a particular level is vital for getting into grad school, but if all I'm doing is school, and not anything else in life, then what's the point? There needs to be a balance, but I feel like the curriculum is aimed at people who don't have to have that balance.

Ah, that's probably just me being self-centered. I'm sure other people have other things going on that they have to balance. I'm tired. My arm is sore (tendinitis or carpal tunnel syndrome). I have two essays to write and two to edit this month. And tons to read.

More later.

Second Term...just barely.

2010-03-09T16:24:00.000-05:00

At Peter's urging, I will now write something that I do not have to stress about being marked on.

Relief surges through me.

Second term is all but done. Exams begin in about 4 weeks (though mine begin in about 6), and essays are coming due fast and furious.

Continuing on from last term are The Age of Elizabeth I (16th century literature) and 18th Century Literature. I'm still enjoying both, but coming to the end of the year I'm getting that feeling of having had enough of both. Same thing happened with my full year courses last year. I will miss them once they're gone, as I'm enjoying the material and the professors. But onwards and upwards, right?

As for the half year courses this term, it's a mixed bag. Critical Approaches to Literature continues to have a fantastic reading list. Nabokov's Pale Fire, Art Spiegelman's Maus I and II, Puig's Kiss of the Spider Woman. Great books. I'm just not sold on the professor. One thing that this second year back to school has taught me is that the pedagogical styles of professors varies vastly. There's something about her way of lecturing that I don't like. I suppose it couldn't happen that I'd enjoy all of my professors equally. I feel bad writing it, because she appears genuinely friendly when I see her in the hallways, but I get kind of a stand-offish vibe when she's lecturing. I think that I am finding this course a bit basic because I've covered much of the material in other classes already. A few people I've talked to about the class share the feeling that it ought to be a prerequisite for entering some of the upper year courses that deal with the kind of theory that this is an introduction to. I'll have to remember to write that on the end of term evaluation.

My non-English course this term is Aesthetics, a philosophy class. It's interesting, but I'm beginning to realize just how little it's going to have to do with what I want to go on with in my education. I suppose it's good to branch out, see what else is going on out in the world of the academy (witness Anthropology last term), but I'm getting to the point where unless it has something specifically to do with what I'm interested in, I'm not interested in it. Obvious, moi? Still, a decent course, gets the mind working, and the professor is fascinating to listen to. He talks like one of these professors who do PBS lectures. You can't help but listen to him. As an added bonus, his name is Barry Allen. (You get an A+ if you can tell me why that's a bonus. And no Google-ing!)

The course I'm having the most trouble with is Theories of Gender and Sexuality. The articles we're reading are interesting. The novels we're reading are extremely well-written. But, as with Postcolonial Cultures last year, I'm feeling like I'm the bad guy. The only time that white, ostensibly straight males are mentioned is as a force of opposition or subjugation. I understand why. I really do. There are voices of genders and sexualities that have been subjugated for centuries, and it is vital to our growth as an intelligent culture that they be heard. I'm interested in hearing the female perspective, or the queer perspective, or the trans-person perspective. But I'm also interested in hearing the contemporary hetero-male perspective. Surely there are men out there who are rethinking what it is to be a heterosexual male in a society where we've been the oppressors for hundreds of years. Isn't it important for us to have a voice to join with these other voices? I've never oppressed a woman, or a gay man, or a gay woman, or a transexual, but I'm not given a place in this new theoretical framework of gender because people who bore a superficial resemblance to me were assholes for a few centuries? I don't get it, and I don't think it's fair. Tara was listening to a woman on CBC to other day who runs a company founded on feminist principles (I don't remember exactly what it was, but that's not the point). Apparently there was a big stink raised by her hiring a man into a position of power in this company. She came on the radio and said it was ridiculous to be angry about this, that feminism wasn't looking for superiority, but equality, and that of course she hired the guy, because he was the best person for the job. That makes sense to me.

Bah. This class makes me angry. The ideas about sex and marriage and men that I'm getting from it are infuriating. Last week the professor even asked what the difference between a prostitute who asks for money for sex and a wife who gets a present and is expected to provide sex is. Ridiculous. I know she was thinking critically, and that that's what I'm training to do, but come on.

I'm also not sure, but whenever I've gone to talk to the prof in this class, I get the impression that she doesn't like me. I may be reading too much into it. I'll be glad when the class is done. I don't like finishing it and going home feeling angry and put upon.

So there. That's my second term. I'm looking into classes for next year and I've decided I'm done with the cultural studies as much as I possibly can be. I'm only looking at taking literature courses next year (19th c., American Lit., Shakespeare). My 4th year seminar selection is also coming up in a couple of weeks. That'll be cool. Smaller classes, no exams. And I'm planning, as one of my 4th year courses, to do an Honours Thesis. 15-page paper based around something I'm interested in. Looking forward to it.

Many of my friends at school are applying to grad school this year, or moved on to it last year. I'm feeling impatient and left behind. I know I still have more to learn in my undergrad classes, but it really feels like the really interesting stuff is kept for graduate work. I want to get on to the really interesting stuff.

That enough of an update for you, Pete?

Procrastination.

2009-11-21T13:08:00.002-05:00

So, yes, witness me procrastinating when I really ought to be working on one of the four essays I have due next week. November is tough.

I'm glad that the semester is nearly ending. Though I've gotten something out of the classes I'm doing this term, I feel I've digressed a bit from where I want to go. The Theory and Practice of Non-Violence course had been interesting, but, as far as I can tell, not really applicable to my further studies of comics and graphic novels. I'm sure I will find applications for the knowledge, but I will be happy to be done the course. That said, I'm deeply into Gandhi's autobiography right now, purely on the strength of his writings that I read for the course. Fantastic reading and philosophy.

Pop Culture, it has to be said, has been a bit of a letdown. I know I couldn't have expected it to be watching movies and TV all the time, but this theory-heavy course is one I won't miss. It's odd, though, as much of what I've learned is eminently applicable to my research on comics. I think the fact that it's a 3-hour night course on Mondays, making my Mondays 11 hours long, may have coloured my perception of the course. And again, it's Dr. Holland, with whom I had Concepts of Culture last year. He's a nice guy, and knows his stuff really well, but I sometimes have a hard time following where he's going with his lectures. Ah well. I suppose exposure to various pedagogical styles is part of the education of a hopeful professor too.

Anthropology is great. I really like this class, almost to the point that I considered doing a 5th year of undergrad so I could minor in it. Then I realized exactly how much that would cost, and reconsidered. I'm happy having this basic understanding of genetics and evolution, much as all the lay physics books I've read have given me a basic understanding of that. At the beginning of the course I was extremely worried, as it's completely different from any other course I've done, but I'm really glad I stuck with it. Great prof, great subject matter, interesting assignments and labs. Who'd have thought I'd be this interested? I think next year, if I can manage to fit it in, I'll do the first year cultural anthropology class to balance out this year's physical anthropology. We'll see.

So, those are the three that'll be done this term. Next term I'll be replacing them with Introduction to Critical Theory, Gender and Sexuality, and Philosophy of Aesthetics. It's an extremely theory-heavy year for me this year. I've been thinking about next year already, and along with the three 4th year courses I'm required to take, I think American Lit, Canadian Lit, and Shakespeare would make a cool year. I do have to do a couple of language courses, most probably Latin, but that will depend on what I can fit in over the summer.

Speaking of summer, I'm applying for the undergraduate research award again. I applied last year with a proposal on the history of graphic spiritual literature, focussing on Emblems in the 17th century. I think this year I'm going to go a little more modern, as I'm beginning to realize that's where my interests lie, and propose a paper on Messianic themes in modern comic books. If I don't manage to get the award, I'll likely use that topic for the 4th year Honours essay that I'm going to do. In place of one 4th year course, I have the option of taking a semester and writing an essay instead. I like the thought of that.

So, there we go, a little summation of the first half of my second year back. Not quite as exciting as last year, not quite as many insights, but I think that's because I'm stuck into it now. It's not new, it's school. Not that I don't love it anymore, but I think I'm ready to get on with graduate work and finish this undergrad stuff. Though the grad students I've talked to all seem far more stressed out than I am. What am I getting myself into....?

I know, I know...

2009-10-12T13:11:00.004-04:00

...it's been a while, and my frequency is clearly not as great as it was last year. Honestly, I have to blame it on my health. The recent discovery of my bad eyesight (which has made my reading suck, and indeed, even as I type I can feel the headache starting), compounded with a recently diagnosed digestive problem have made my first month of studies less than stellar, to be sure. But these things are sorting themselves out, and I'm finally getting into my classes. Hopefully it's not too late. I've already had one midterm, which I can't for sure say I did really well on, and I've got an essay, a presentation, and a midterm next week that I'm feeling only marginally prepared for. Certainly gets the adrenalin going though, doesn't it?

I spent much of yesterday doing comparative readings of biblical psalms (are there non-biblical psalms?) and poetical interpretations of them from the 16th century. And they were fascinating. Some far more in depth than others, some far more accessible than other. Really interesting, which I'm very glad of, as the 16th c. readings I have done so far have been less than compelling. On the other side of things, I'm really getting into my physical anthropology course. I've always had a layman's interest in science, especially theoretical physics. This, I'm sure, is fueled by that branch of psychedelic philosophy/eastern thought that seeks the origins of things, and the hidden dimensions of things. Quantum physics, at least in my tiny understanding of it, seems to point to similar things. That said, evolutionary biology is certainly not something I had any knowledge of, though now I do, if somewhat superficially. I get now on a very basic level how genetics works, how evolution works, and what it means to human beings. A completely different pedagogical paradigm, lots of memorization, and no essays (which is staggering, really), but interesting nonetheless. We'll see how this one goes.

Religious studies (Theory and Practice of Non-Violence) is slowly but surely getting better. I was having trouble with all the studies of violence we had to read, but we're now getting more into the spiritual and philosophical bases for non-violence, much more up my alley. Pop Culture, too, is getting slightly more interesting, though I think the course would benefit greatly in not running from 7 'til 10 on a Monday night. What a ridiculous time for any course, let alone one that deals in such abstracts as this one. The last course I'm waiting for to grab me is 18th Century Literature. I'm just not there yet, though we've just been assigned an essay, so hopefully I'll be able to pull something interesting out.

I was going to try to do at least one comic book-related paper for each class this year, in preparation for my focusing on something (see below), but now I'm re-thinking the idea. Maybe I ought to focus more on the specific milieu of each course, immerse myself in that, rather than superimposing my own ideas on each course. Or maybe not. I don't know. It all comes down to my needing to decide on something to focus on for graduate work. I'm slowly getting to it, but again I'm flustered by the idea that graphic novels may not be a valid basket in which to put all my eggs, so to speak. I'm interested in studying spiritual graphic literature from many time periods (medieval picture bibles, emblems, recent graphic novels), but I'm not sure that this could be channeled into a graduate degree. Or maybe it could, maybe I'm selling myself short. I have to admit that my health problems this last month or so have really impacted my self-confidence about school. I've been plagued far more with thoughts that perhaps I'm not really cut out for this. Though Tara, wonderful, supportive wife that she is, sat me down one day while I was feeling particularly down, and told me that not only was I cut out for this, but that I was "built for this." That's nice. Purposeful. I'll just have to hang onto that, I suppose.

One Week In.

2009-09-16T20:16:00.002-04:00

I know, I know, I haven't written or called. What's that old postcard say? "So I haven't written much lately. So what? Neither has Shakespeare!"

(Someone got paid to come up with that.)

So I've been back just about a week now. Here's the breakdown. Monday is Anthropology 1Z03 - Being and Becoming Human at 11:30, 18th c. Lit at 2:30, Theory and Practice of Nonviolence at 4:30, and Pop Culture from 7 to 11. Yeah. I know.
Tuesday is pretty nice. Anthro tutorial at 10:30. Wednesday is 16th c. Lit at 9:30, Nonviolence tutorial at 10:30, Anthro at 11:30, 18th c. Lit at 2:30, and Nonviolence at 4:30.

Thursday I have no classes. (Yay!)

Friday is 2 hours of 16th c. Lit, done by 11:30.
Mondays are hard. Wednesdays are hard. The rest is pretty good.

In order, here's how I'm feeling about them so far:

Anthropology is interesting. It's not quite what I'd thought it would be. I figured on dealing with cultures and societies, but this particular course is more about evolution and genetics. Still, seems like it'll be interesting, and it's a first year course, so I'm not too worried about the work load. That said, it seems that there's going to be a bit of a biology aspect to is, which I have absolutely no knowledge of. But a challenge is always welcome, right?
18th c. Literature looks to be interesting, much like all my other English classes. The biggest surprise was when the prof walked in, and I thought she was another student.
Nonviolence is a religious studies course, another of my electives. For our first essay I've opted to take a vow of silence one day a week and write about how it impacts my life. The subject matter is pretty interesting, so I have high hopes for this course. The professor gets quite worked up over some of the material, which is interesting to watch.
Pop Culture was the one course I was kind of dreading. I have the same professor that I had for Concepts of Culture last year, and I found him a bit difficult to follow. However, even after my ridiculously long day this week, the course was good. His lecture seemed far more coherent than the previous ones, and the subject matter is interesting. High hopes, if I can manage to stay awake.
16th c. Literature is yet another English course. Lots of reading, lots of interpretation. Love it.

That all aside, I'm pretty happy to be back at school. I'm still somewhat concerned about my grade average, but I was concerned about it all last year as well, so that hasn't changed. Once I've got a couple of weeks under my belt, and an assignment or two imminent, I'm sure it'll feel like old times. But at this point I've been out for a long enough time that it still feels a little weird.

The other interesting thing about returning to school is that I have friends now. I keep running into people, asking how their summer was, what courses they have. It's odd. I'm pretty much used to keeping to myself, but now I have peers.

That's all I've got for now. I was sure I had other things I was going to write about, but they've gone out of my head for the time being. Perhaps tomorrow I'll remember them, on my day off (YAY!).

Just Over a Week.

2009-08-31T22:36:00.002-04:00

I find I am a bit nervous about returning to school next week. I've got all my books, signed my life away yet again, finished work for the summer. I'm worried that I won't like my classes. That I won't be able to maintain the average I've got. That I'm really not cut out for all this.

I know, I know. It's kind of whingy for a grown man to be worrying over these things.

But I am.

From the "Tooting My Own Horn" File

2009-07-28T16:09:00.001-04:00

I know, I know, it's been a while, but really, I'm enjoying the lack of reading and essay writing, just for a little while. Today I found out I have received the Gladys Richards Scholarship, a $2000 award given to, as the McMaster course calendar says, students "who, in the judgment of the Departments, have demonstrated outstanding academic achievement." Only 2 are awarded each year. I feel silly saying it, but it's not about the money really, is it? Out of all the 2nd year students in English or English/History, I was one of two who were recognized this way. That's freaking amazing. Validation from peers and professors is awesome.

I'll try to write more shortly. Schedule should be coming my way soon. Then I'll have lots to talk about!

Summertime Blues....

2009-06-26T15:56:00.001-04:00

Yes, yes, I know I haven't written much lately. Work is pain.

I have finished my summer class (Biblical Traditions in Literature), and I've posted one of my essays to my comics blog, here.

Once things quiet down a bit from work, I'll be getting on with my big analysis of Morrison and Quitely's "Flex Mentallo". Peter Daly's "Literature in the Light of the Emblem" is first on the reading list, then perhaps Frye's "The Great Code". That may be ambitious for one summer, but we'll see. There's so much to read and so little time!

I have picked out my courses for next year, but there's a real dearth of choice in the English department. I found out that one of my favourite professors was handed his walking papers, along with many other part-time staff. As such, I think I have only 2 or 3 classes that can actually be called "English" classes. I've branched out, doing some philosophy, religious studies, and even a first-year anthropology class. I figure it should make for an interesting year.

This too shall pass.

2009-06-01T22:25:00.002-04:00

I am having a hard time with work this summer. I'm not sure if it's just me, or if things really are worse this year (I'm doing the same job, post setting, that I did last summer), but I feel like I've been chosen as the whipping boy for the crew. I spend most of my evenings and weekends fighting to not be angry or depresses, but by the time Friday rolls around, I feel battered and bruised. I'm not sure what to do about it.

However...

...when I get to school on Mondays and Wednesdays, I get a cup of coffee and a chocolate bar and I walk over to the lobby of Chester New Hall South (the English department is on the 3rd floor), and I sit down and it all washes away. Through last term I would sit here during my breaks and do homework, but invariably someone from a class would stroll by and we'd end up chatting for a while, having those cerebral conversations that, really, would sound pretentious anywhere else.

(Let's be honest, they sound pretentious here,too. English students love pretense!)

Of course, other times it would be idle banter, and still other times would be continuations of discussions we'd had in a recent class.

I feel very at ease, sitting in that lobby. Like the outside world can't hurt me anymore.

Grades.

2009-05-30T19:00:00.001-04:00

Okay. 2 "A+"s, 3 "A"s, 1 "A-". And I made the Dean's Honour List.

Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.

On the other hand, holy crap I'm behind on my summer reading. Aargh.

Time Flies....

2009-05-25T10:51:00.002-04:00

Have you ever taken that phrase to be a noun? "Time Flies."

Sorry, anyway, Summer is here. Work is ridiculously difficult and dirty, and I actually left my first essay until the weekend before it was due. Not that I think it's a bad essay, but that verges on irresponsibility. I'm sadly quite behind on reading, a situation I plan to remedy this very afternoon.

(One of the pleasant things about this job is that occasionally there is no work. No one books a job, there's nothing that needs to be finished up, so there's no work. They come when least expected, and most needed, I find.)

On the more positive side, I love the class. Biblical Traditions in Literature. We're using Northrop Frye's Words with Power to look at the Bible and other literary texts as expressions or perversions of humankind's primary needs. It's neat. I read Willa Cather's The Professor's House and it was really good. Today will be some love sonnets and selections from The Handmaid's Tale.

I'm really glad I didn't work much during last term. I don't think I could do much more than what I am right now, and this is only one class. Work plus five classes would be a nightmare.

So, to summarize, life is hectic, but every Monday and Wednesday night I get a reminder of what I'm going to get full-time in the Fall, and it's a breath of fresh air.

Final, official grades for last year are being posted on the 30th. I've refrained from sharing the interim grades here because, one, I said I'd stop posting grades, and two, I wanted to wait until is was one hundred percent official. So, I will post them when I get them.

And then no more grades.

Seriously. No more.

Maybe.

Great Satisfaction

2009-04-23T18:11:00.002-04:00

April 20th was my last exam. That means I've officially completed my second year (unless the summer term counts too, but whatever!). I am very glad that I don't have the "Holy crap I never want to take another course again in my life" feeling that I had at the end of my first year.

I went through my course packs and filed all the articles for future reference, put all the novels and plays and books of poetry in their proper places in my library, cleared off the "To read for school" shelf and put the four volumes for my summer course on it. Looks empty.

So. I went back to university. Wacky. I definitely feel more educated. And not just in the rote learning department. I find I now have a cultural studies switch in my head that I have to remember to shut off before I watch television or a movie. Or go shopping. Or do anything, really. But it's cool, really. The critical thinking skills are an interesting addition. Or rather, it's that I have the vocabulary now to articulate the things that were in my head previously. A lot of people have asked what I can (or plan) to do with an English degree, and before this year I had a hard time telling them. But I'm getting an inkling of what an English degree teaches you now. Could we describe it as manipulation of abstract ideas? Maybe.

On the other hand, I can see why an English degree is described as practice for flipping burgers, too.

Should I change the name of the blog to "I Went to University in the Summer" now? Let's assume that's the subtitle, the interlude, for the next couple of months, then we'll get on to volume 2 in the fall.

Now I Remember.

2009-04-16T09:52:00.002-04:00

(I have an exam in just over 4 hours. I probably should be studying, instead of blogging, but oh well!)

I do. I actually remember now why I dropped out. It's these damned exams. I don't understand what exactly they're supposed to prove. Take the one I have to write today: Modern British Literature. Now, I'm going into this exam with an A+ in the course, which means that not only have I done the work required of the course, but I've done it well. So what is the point of now giving me the exam that's worth a third of my mark, and is quite likely not going to be an A+ piece of writing? All it's going to do is bring down my mark and basically negate all the hard work I've done for the past year. Now, I understand that professors likely take this into account when marking exams. They must realize that this is a "write by the seat of your pants" piece, and mark it accordingly. At least, I hope they do.

I think I'd feel better if the exams were worth less. I understand that there has to be something at the end of the course, something to show that you were actually there and paying attention, but I don't think it should be something that can severely destroy your mark if you screw it up. I realize that I'm not likely to fail any of my exams. I have done the work, and I have been to class, and I like to think that even my bullshit sounds relatively articulate. But like I say, if I'm going into an exam with a good mark because I worked hard through the year to get that mark, I think it sucks that a 3-hour period of unprepared writing can wreck that.

Crap. I really, for the whole year, could not remember why I had dropped out in first year. I know I found it a bit boring, but sitting in lectures this year I couldn't understand what about university I had found boring. I learned so much this year. And now I remember. This horrible feeling I've had for the last week and a bit, the sudden emptiness of my head when the invigilator says we can start writing, the certainty that whatever I wrote was awful. I have to do really well in school if I want to go on to grad work and actually stand a chance of getting a job in the academic field. I don't think exams help that at all.

On top of that, I've had a terrible couple of weeks. Last Monday, after my last class of the year, I came home to find my old cat had basically lost the use of her legs. Her body was in the process of shutting down, and over the next 6 hours she slowly passed away. I was happy that it happened at home, happy that I got to hold onto her while it happened, rather than being at the vets, but it was 6 hours that I should have been working on an essay, or studying, that I lost. Another thing that pisses me off: I feel guilty for not doing school work all the time (like right now while I'm typing!). So then, on Tuesday, Sage came down with a wicked cold and sore throat, and he ended up being off school the entire week. So I was contending not only with a final paper due on Friday and an exam on Thursday, but also a very sick son. Of course, the Easter weekend came around and I began to understand why students are generally young people with no other commitments. Don't take this as complaining about my family, but there are commitments that I have that many of my peers at school don't. So over the long weekend I took time from studying to spend time with family. Which is every bit as important, obviously, but, you know, see that bit above about guilt for not doing school work. So Monday rolled around (3 days ago), and Sage was better, but now Tara is sick, has been home from work, and is coughing her way through the night. This does not make for restful sleep, and I know it's not her fault, but damn, it would have been great if the cat (Moggi), Sage, and Tara had held off for just a couple of weeks.

Sorry. That sounded an awful lot like a lot of the really annoying "blogs about my troubles" that I hate to read. I had hoped to maintain a level head in this blog, give a good, objective view of going back to university. I'll get back to that.

As soon as exams are done.

Last Book Done.

2009-04-06T09:49:00.002-04:00

Okay. I just finished the last piece of reading I have to do for my 2nd year. Wow.

I've got 5 exams to look forward to, and one essay that I have to finish tonight!

On the subject of the book, it was Milton's Paradise Lost, and can I just say how great it was? I have a hard time sometimes with the "classics." One of my brothers claims that most classics he's read have been poorly written and quite boring, and for a long while I was inclined to agree with him. But not Milton. What a great read that was! And I'm not even remotely Christian. The story was just beautifully constructed and beautifully told. I'm thinking now of reading some of the older epic poems. Anyone have any suggestions where to start?

Assignments

2009-03-25T20:34:00.003-04:00

I've posted three of my assignments for this year on my comic book blog. I'm pretty happy that I was able to mesh this particular hobby with my education, and I'm looking forward to much more of it in the coming years. So, if you're interested:

Batman vs. Mighty Wing

Medieval Literature, Modern Comics

"...That Hates and Fears Them": The X-Men and South African Apartheid

It's All About the Recognition

2009-03-07T12:49:00.004-05:00

I found out today that an essay I wrote for my Concepts of Culture course last term won second prize in the Humanities Essay Writing awards. The monetary portion of the prize will be nice, but I've got to say that the recognition factor is definitely the sweet part. The essay, Batman vs. Mighty Wing, can be found here at my comic book blog. I think this was just what I needed to bring me out of the funk I'd fallen into.

Regaining Focus

2009-03-02T18:27:00.002-05:00

I'm not entirely sure when I lost it. I think the ting is that when I was working, all the extra time I had at home was exactly that: extra time. Now, as Peter so wisely put it, I feel guilty for every moment I'm not devoting to schoolwork. Which, in turn, makes be feel resentful of my schoolwork when I'm doing it. Which, I suppose, could be contributing to my lack of focus. Guilt plus resentment is a decent recipe for not being interested in school.

Shit.

Perhaps it's just coming to the end of the year. There's only five weeks until exams (which, good lord, I don't even want to think about yet), and I think I have to admit that it took more out of me that I thought it would. There's been a definite toll physically. I'm not sick, but I'm run down, and I think that has a lot to do with the utter lack of exercise I'm getting. I've even let my daily exercises slide, and I'd managed to get into a good habit with them. It's also been mentally difficult. I don't think it's the type of thinking I've been doing. I think critically all the time. I draw connections that aren't apparent. I think about things. It's fun. But until I came back to school, I never had to organize and communicate those things in a coherent, academic manner. It's one thing to say that emblems in the 17th century have a lot in common with Morrison and Quitely's "Flex Mentallo" comics, but totally another to write a research proposal about them to convince someone to give you money.

So. Is the answer to start exercising again? Will a healthy body produce a healthy mind?

One can hope.

A Good Day.

2009-02-13T17:04:00.002-05:00

And not just because Reading Week starts today. I'm mildly jealous of the people I hear planning trips to various sunny climes, but I have to wonder when they're going to get their huge amount of work done, which is what I'll be spending my reading week doing. Three essays, one presentation, one research proposal, I'm not even sure how much reading.

I'm kind of looking forward to it, though. Masochist, moi?

A good day because I got my Post-Colonial Cultures mid-term back with an A, my first term participation mark for the same, an A+, and I talked to Dr. Silcox, my 17th Century Lit professor, and she said she would be my faculty advisor for the Undergraduate Student Research Award. That's the proposal I have to work on. They give out eight grants for doing a research paper over the summer, and I wasn't going to apply, but I figured why not? I could spend a summer researching something interesting. Not that I don't find my everyday studies interesting, but this is something I get to devise for myself. It's exciting. Oh, and a good day because I had my essay topic dealing with apartheid and the 1980s Chris Claremont X-Men comics approved.

If I'd been able to write about comics in university the first time around, I might not have dropped out. I'm getting the feeling that I went back at just the right time for someone with my interests.

The only sour note is that a tentative exam schedule has been posted. I hadn't even thought about exams yet, so it's a sobering thought.

Looking Forward

2009-01-21T12:45:00.001-05:00

When I started back to university, and I told people what I was going to be studying, the first, in fact the only, question I was asked was "What are you going to do with it?" What am I going to do with an English degree? It seems that everyone and their brother/sister/mother/father/dog has some sort of degree or diploma. What separates me out? And for a while I avoided answering the question. I was going to school for the shear pleasure of learning, and that was that.

I don't think that's going to work much longer.

I'm 98% certain I'd like to go on to do graduate studies, but I'm beginning to realize now what this entails. Rather than having to decide what job I want once I've completed a degree, I have to decide what I want to specialize in once I get to the graduate level. And, even though I'm only in my second of four years, I need to start deciding now.

I want to study comic books. I just don't know how viable a field this is for academic work. There are definitely people out there who have done it, but I have to wonder how much is a sideline to "proper" research. And then, if I can manage it, what specifically do I want to look at? Current sequential art scholarship extends back to the 1400s now. That's over 600 years of comics (a thought that makes me salivate just a little bit). The key to grad work seems to be specificity. I just don't know that I could get specific when it comes to comics.

Okay. That's kind of a lie. I totally could. I actually know what I'd like to write about, but again the question of academic...is respect the word I'm looking for here?...that question weighs heavily. I love comics. Of any literary form that I've partaken of, comics are the one that has consistently moved me and changed me. I suppose that means I'll have to fight for their acceptance.

Or maybe not. I really don't know what opinion of the graphic medium is in literary/scholarly circles. Perhaps there is respect, or at least study, in fine art circles. But in English departments? I don't know. I guess it's time to find out.

In other news, I've been back at school for two and a bit weeks now. I have to admit it took a while to get back into the swing of things. Essay due next week. Midterm in two days. Reading, reading, reading.

Bring it on.

Mid Term Grade

2008-12-27T00:43:00.000-05:00

I got an 'A' in my Concepts of Culture course. I am so glad. I found out today, about half and hour since Boxing Day ended, so that's a really nice last little christmas present.

Making Truth of Dream

2008-12-22T14:41:00.002-05:00

So, I was sitting on the couch in my living room this afternoon, hacking away at my Medieval Lit essay, and I realized I had seen myself doing this very thing many times over the years. The coffee table is covered with books with sticky notes exploding from their tops, some laying open, perhaps to a particular passage of Sir Gawain and The Green Knight, a big, hardbound interlinear translation of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales lying spine up, open to the pertinent text, pages of notes scattered about me. I've seen myself doing this, surrounded just like this, in my mind's eye so many times.

Finally.

Exam.

2008-12-15T12:42:00.002-05:00

I wrote my first exam in 15 years today. I really had forgotten how exams make you feel. Standing in that lineup, desperately trying to remember everything I'd studied and realizing that no matter how hard I tried, I was going to blank out when I sat down at the desk. Which I did. Momentarily.

So, we'll see in a few weeks how it went, I suppose. I don't feel like it was an "A" exam, which is a shame since I've done so well on the rest of the course. But if I come out of the exam with a "B", "B+" maybe, that would be okay.

This stressed me out. I have no idea how I'm going to handle 5 exams at the end of next term.

Essay Prize

2008-12-11T08:02:00.002-05:00

I entered my A+ essay into the first term Humanities Essay Writing Prize. The essay is called "Batman vs. Mighty Wing" and it discusses the similarities between the comics produced by individualist and collectivist cultures. I'm quite proud of it. For the contest the essay had to be turned in exactly as it was for the class, but I'm thinking of revising it, maybe expanding it a bit, in line with some comments my T.A. put on it. Hah. My first piece of scholarly comic book work. First in a long line, if I have any say in it.

Break

2008-12-10T16:16:00.003-05:00

And honestly, I thought that I would a few times during those last few weeks. But the 17th Century Lit essay is handed in and gone, and I've been off school for almost 2 weeks. The first couple of days I walked around feeling kind of useless. Amazing, really, how used to sitting and absorbing information I'd become.

(Did you notice I started the first two sentences of this post with "And" and "But"?)

So, I have one exam coming up on Monday. It's for Concepts of Culture, a course you may remember I was having some difficulties with. The trouble was, and is, that its a very abstract course. "What is culture?" being the central question behind the course, how could it not be? By the end of the term, though, I think I managed to wrap my head around it. On our last day, Dr. Holland gave us the questions that were going to be on the exam. That is, he gave us four short answer questions, two of which will be on the exam, and two essay questions, one of which will be on the exam. I'm going over them bit by bit, and I'm a little worried. Though not for the reason you might think. Yesterday, I decided I was going to tackle two of the short answer questions. I sat down, and started writing notes and paragraphs, marshaling ideas and thoughts, and half an hour later I had two pretty decent, relatively specific answers to the questions. Today, I did the same thing with the next two short answer questions, and the same thing happened. What worries me is that I think I may have got this course, but what if I haven't, and what I'm writing is absolutely not what the exam will call for?

Let me reiterate at this point that I have not written a university exam in 15 years. I honestly have no clear memory of what my exams were like in first year, and even if I did, I have no evidence that exams now are even remotely the same. I'm a little nervous. Does it show?

Tomorrow I'll tackle the first of the essay questions, try to come up with a decent outline, good thesis, maybe two or three pages of notes, Friday I'll have a go at the second essay question, then over the weekend I'll review my notes and my readings from the course. I'm pretty sure that's about all I can do. The exam's at nine in the morning on Monday, so at least it'll be over early.

Then I can start writing my essay for Medieval Literature. I'm kind of excited about this one, as I'm going to write about femininity and magic and how they're used to subvert knightly masculinity in a couple of our texts. I really hope I can pull this one off.

Just finished reading Tomson Highway's The Kiss of the Fur Queen today. Wonderful book about two Native Canadian brothers growing up in Winnipeg. Some grim bits to do with the residential school system, but the portrayal of the two siblings' artistic talents was stunning. Its my first text for Post-Colonial Cultures next term. Next is Graham Greene's Brighton Rock for Modern British Literature. The novel quotient for next term is far higher than this term. Better get a move on.

One More Time...

2008-11-26T20:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, I did say I'd stop posting my marks here, and I will. But only after I brag about getting an A+ on a paper I got back today.

There. That's it. No more grades.

(Except maybe final ones, just for interests sake.)

(But whose interest?)

Conundrum #1

2008-11-13T12:09:00.005-05:00

So, here's the thing: I am doing an Honours English degree at Mac. That's pretty much unspoken. English is what I do, and I'd love to one day be able to turn an academic lens on comic books. To spend my days researching and lecturing on comics (the ideal, you understand) would be fantastic. So I'm doing English. I figure that's a good route to go. I was looking over the degree requirements last night, and realized I have 36 elective credits I need to fill. So I thought about doing a minor. Initially, it was for Anthropology. I've been reading a lot about shamanic cultures over the last 3 years, specifically the ones who use hallucinogens in their ritual. I'm really interested in the modern-day emerging psychedelic culture who are trying to develop a western analog of the shaman. Anthropology would be helpful in that inquiry. But then I saw the Religious Studies courses, and I may have changed my mind. I get an awful lot of Christian mythology in my 17th Century Lit and Medieval Lit courses. There's so many courses about non-Western religions and emergent religions that would be utterly fascinating to learn about. So now I'm torn. English? Yep, of course, no question. Anthropology or Religious Studies? Unsure. The one thing Religious Studies has in its favour is that I don't know if I can do all the required courses for Anthro in my two remaining years. I'd have to do summer classes, and I don't think we can afford that. That may swing the vote.

And then there's the question of language. In the course calendar, it says that many graduate programmes require a proficiency in another language. I have O.A.C. French (Grade 13 to people older than me, non-existent to people younger than me). I figure I could quite easily go into French at school. I don't know if I'd need to concentrate on reading or speaking, or both. But there's a part of me that wants to try something.....interesting. Like Sanskrit. How cool would that be? Thing is, I need a non-introductory course for the graduate programme. That means either one year of French, or at least 2 years of Sanskrit. I don't know I can fit it.

Not to mention the fact that there appear to be courses that are only taught in the summer session, like the third year Science Fiction course, that I really want to take, but I really don't think we can afford for me to go to school in the summer.

I did a presentation today, for Modern British Lit. I now have only one more thing due before the exam break. So, one essay and one exam, and I've finished a full term of university. That's pretty cool. I have this horrible suspicion that this year has been so laid back because I have 4 full-year courses. If I only had half-year courses this term, I would have had to likely do 15 assignments, plus 5 exams at the end of the term, rather than the 10 or so I have. I think that may affect my course choices next year. I have picked an awful lot of half-year courses.

Anyone at all feel free to chime in with advice. I would love some opinions.

Thursdays and Being a Grown-Up

2008-11-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

I like Thursdays. Unlike poor befuddled Arthur Dent, I seem to have gotten the hang of them. I'll tell you why:

I only have one class on Thursdays (this term, at least). Its my Modern British Lit tutorial, and its at eight-thirty in the morning. One might suppose that I would be inclined to skip this class on a regular basis, but I think that actually, this is the one I would do my very best to never miss. When I was in my first year, the English tutorial was my favourite class. You could sit there for an hour and dissect works of literature, and I always felt there was an implicit encouragement to really reach into a text and take chances with interpretation. In a first year that I grew so bored with that I took 15 years to get to second year, it was a breath of pure, clean air. Hence my enjoyment of my Thursday mornings: a cup of coffee and stimulating discussion of literature. And its literature that's not so far outside my temporal framework that it requires substantial translation before the interpretation. I also quite like my T.A. He seems to sort of person who'd be interesting to sit down and talk to. Not even necessarily about literature, though he's a fourth year Ph.D. student, so he'd likely have lots of interesting things to say.

This brings me to a conundrum, one of the few, that I have about school. What is the protocol of interacting with one's professors or T.A.s? For the last fifteen years I have worked remarkably hard to be treated like an "adult" by everyone I come into contact with. It's a rigorous process, as I'm sure most people know, gaining that level of self-confidence to treat people like people, and not like authority figures. I try to be conversational with everyone because we're all just making our ways in the world. So I was unprepared for how I perceived professors. I have dealt with bosses, police, friends, in-laws and, eventually, parents, and have come to be able to deal with them as equals. But when I started school, I realized that I consider professors to be authorities. I get nervous talking to them, not in class, but on a one-to-one basis. I think it's because they represent something I am striving toward. This was key in my new found (relatively) perception of my parents as people. As soon as I became one, I understood. There seems to be an acknowledgment, at least for later year students, that if you're there, you're an adult, and a relatively intelligent one. I suppose that even though I'm only in second year, that acknowledgment can also come by dint of age and behaviour. And then, refining further, I suppose there's recognition of the people who aren't just there for the prospect of a good job, or the degree, but because they are genuinely interested in learning. But still, how does one talk to them? How should one talk to them? They're teachers, they're the people who are ultimately responsible, if not for the grade you get, for the grade you're assigned. (In that, the student is ultimately responsible for the grade they get. The prof just assigns that grade based on your work) How much distance are they trained to keep between themselves and their students? I'm the same age as at least one of my professors, so experientially, I'm a peer. I have had the same amount, temporally, of life experiences. As far as my knowledge of comic books (don't laugh), I'd put myself above 99% of the people I come into contact with, so in that frame of reference, I'm as much of an authority in my field as a professor is in theirs. Yet still I find myself in a deferential mode when I interact with them. It's odd.

So, there's that. I am finding that, as a mature student, university can be quite lonely. I talk with people in my classes, other students, and I talk with my teachers, but I'm not part of either group really. Most of the students I talk to are actually a different generation from me, which is off-putting occasionally. I can talk about things to a certain extent, but then the common cultural ground gives way. I was chatting to a girl in my Concepts of Culture course about an essay she was writing. Her chosen topic was the sub-culture that was Grunge in the early 90s. That that has become a historical era for young people now is mildly disconcerting, since for me it's still a relatively recent part of my present. I have peers on campus, but I don't have friends. I'm not dissatisfied, you must understand. I have enough friends and social situations in my life that really, anything else on campus would almost be intrusive, but I occasionally think it would be nice to have someone to sit down and have lunch with, and just talk about life as it's happening.

Do you think that's why I blog?

Being a Student

2008-11-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

I think school, at its best, is divided between moments where you think "You know what? I'm pretty good at this stuff" and moments where you think "What was I thinking trying to learn this stuff?" Somewhere where they intersect is that wonderful, slightly paranoid, feeling of being a student.

I was going to write more today, but I've just finished reading an essay for "Concepts of Culture" that made no sense to me. Seriously. None.

Mid-term Burnout

2008-10-22T19:43:00.000-04:00

No, I'm not talking about mid-terms, as in the tests, 'cause I don't have any. That, in itself, seems odd to me but I'm not going to complain. I just meant that this week I haven't been quite as enthusiastic about school as the last few weeks. Getting tired. I think what I really need is to not have anything going on on the weekends, so I can actually relax. That's not likely to happen though.

I got my Concepts of Culture essay back today. Last week the T.A. had said that there were problems with the whole class' essays, so I was a little apprehensive about the tutorial today. I got an 81% on it, so no reason to worry.

(I will stop posting my grades here eventually, I'm sure. It's just quite novel to be graded on something I've written.)

Ah, well. Perhaps the tiredness is normal. A lot of my classmates seem to have that slightly glazed look about them too. It might be the realization now that there's still a lot of the year left, and that the assignments are going to start counting for more. The stretch ahead seems a long one from this vantage point. I'm sure once March rolls around, I won't believe how quickly it went by, but right now it's like one of those roads in the country that you can see going on forever.

So, this week I have to read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway, and an essay for Postcolonial Cultures, and I have a test in 17th Century Literature on Friday. I must bear in mind, regardless of the tiredness, that learning is good.

Learning is good. Say it with me now.

Optimism and Modern British Literature

2008-10-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to think I'm too optimistic for Modern British Literature. Seriously, me, optimistic. The story we read this week, to me seemed to be about people throwing off the chains of intellect and finding this incredible, frightening passion underneath. D.H. Lawrence's "The Horse Dealer's Daughter", if anyone's read it. This was my reading of it. A number of my classmates, however, assigned this cold, conniving intellect to the main character, preferring to see her as having manipulated her way into a comfortable life. And I could see it from the proofs they showed of it. I've just finished E.M. Forster's A Room With A View and I thought it was a happy, mildly philosophical work. I'm worried that I've missed something really dark and horrible about it. I guess I'll find out soon.

And T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" still confounds me, 16 years after I first read it.

A final note about British Lit. I got my first essay back today. I got an A. Pretty happy about that.

I have to tell you about 17th Century Literature. I really dig it. It's the oddest thing, even typing that sentence (Those sentences, rather). I actually went out and bought the optional text for the course. I'm that interested in it. The funny part being that it's a course I only took because I had a conflict with the Shakespeare course I wanted to take, and 17th Century Lit was the only way out of it. I'm very glad of that little twist of fate. Of course, ask me again at the end of this year, and I may sing a different tune.

I hope not, though.

The campus was beautiful today. The trees are spectacular. Got to Mac early today, about quarter to eight, and walked back behind all the old buildings and next to the forest. Beautiful.

Sunny Autumn Day

2008-10-07T18:44:00.001-04:00

And again I find myself sitting in the middle of the campus, on a bench outside the Burke Science Building, the sun beating down on my head on a crisp Autumn day, buried in a book called Nervous Conditions, by Tsitsi Dangeremba, that I never even would have heard of if I hadn't decided to take Post-Colonial Cultures as one of my classes.

(Yes, I realize I started that sentence, and long one it was too, with "and." I'm sure they'll beat that out of me eventually!)

People walk by me, pursuing their lives, going to class or home, running, strolling, riding. Some stand in clusters and chat, and I am happy to hear that often they discuss some aspect or other of a class they have in common. How, in my less-hermetic moments, I envy them.

I won't be able to sit out here for long. I can feel Winter coming occasionally, the taste of snow hanging very briefly in the overcast air, though not today, this beautiful day. Today, there is atmosphere. I wonder if others can feel it, appreciate it the way I do? To me, the recognition comes from realizing that my purpose now, as opposed to working and earning monetarily, is working and earning academically. How sweet it is! Can others, others who haven't slaved for wages for years, or worried about where their next meal might come from, feel this, understand this? I hope so. I think so. I see them, I hear them, the ones who, though sometimes unconsciously, realize the privilege being accorded us.

I am so happy to be here amongst them.

(On the other hand, just across the path from me, on another bench, are two girls eating hot dogs. They have dropped their napkins and are letting them flutter away across the grass. The charitable part of me hopes that maybe it's because they just haven't noticed.)

I am 5 weeks in now, and this week I gave up my self-imposed ban on caffeine (the story of which I may tell later). I blame this on the cold I'm nursing that I really don't have time for. Better living through legal stimulants.

Welcome

2008-10-05T02:49:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to tell you my name.

Not just yet.

I'm mid-thirties, I've been married 12 years, and have a 9 year old son. And this year, I had enough of crappy jobs and crappier bosses, so I quit my job and went back to university, to start my second year.

I go to McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. That's where I went when I did my one other year of university, from 1993 - 94. About 15 years ago.

I know I'm not alone in doing things like this. In fact, there are people much older than I am in all of my classes. But I think I need to share it somehow, how outside of it I feel, but, just euphoric at times, just the knowledge that my function now is to learn, just absorb facts. And for now, at least, with the minimum possible ulterior motives.

To start, I worked an outdoor kind of job for 4 years prior to this change. I won't name the company, but they were terrible employers, and I finally had enough one morning. I called my wife, told her I had to quit my job, and she said okay. And later that evening, we started to plan my return to school. I'm not always the most proactive kind of guy when it comes to plans like this, but I realized the alternative was to go out and find another job to get treated like shit at. The university idea seemed the logical choice.

There were incidents and impediments, but none insurmountable. I will be forever grateful to my wife, son, parents, brothers, in-laws and friends who supported my decision to cripple my family with financial debt so I could go back to school.

(I'll elect here not to go into political diatribe. That's not what I'm studying!)

It's now 4 weeks in. I've already handed in one essay, and another is due this coming Wednesday. On Fridays, I have 5 straight hours of lectures, from 9:30 am to 2:30 pm, then some more, and I love it. I never thought I could be that entranced by African literature and post-colonial studies. Or Modernism. Or Joseph-fucking-Conrad, who was a brilliant writer. I read James Joyce for the first time this week.

Why would you care, I suppose, is the question I have to ask too. This is hard, because I don't want to come off too preachy. I suppose I worry that lots of people are living not necessarily the lives they want to, but the lives they've become used to. I was used to my job. I was not living the life I wanted to. So I decided to do something about it.